darthzal

Honestly, I have to be the worst blogger ever. Not only do I refrain from actually writing in my blog, but when I do, I mostly rant about completely uninteresting things. Such as studies, worries, pneumonia and cows. I think I have mentioned cows at least three times, and that, my friends, are way too many times.
     Yes. Now I have mentioned cows FOUR times.

I'm back in Ljungby, working at the largest art museum in town. It's so much fun!
      During the days, when I'm not working, I read books -  I've reread the Harry Potter books and I've managed to finish book two of the sci-fi series Vatta's War by brilliant author Elizabeth Moon - I take bicycle tours, visit relatives, go to storytelling festivals, meet up with old roleplaying friends, go for long walks, pet cows, eat nutritious food, drive around in the family car, hate my life, watch films with Mum and Dad, take swims in the local lake...

WHOA. Hold on a minute. Did I just write "hate my life"? I can't imagine why. Or wait, can I?
      Can it possibly be that I like it so much here that I don't really want to go back? When I think about Uppsala, all I see before my eyes is... stress and suffering.
      I strongly dislike stress. I dislike feeling as if I have to do something all the time. I dislike feeling as if buried in the ground in a coffin two sizes too small. I dislike having to pretend that I feel good all the time and I dislike feeling as if people talk about you behind your back.
      I dislike disliking myself.

However, I do like it here.
      In fact... I have stopped throwing up because I don't feel sick all the time anymore. I have stopped crying at night. I have stopped staying up all night. My pulse has slowed considerably. I laugh again.
      I do realise that I have to return to Uppsala. I just don't look forward to it anymore.


Actually... Minutes ago I was perfectly happy. Thrilled, even. I thought going back to Uppsala would be a piece of cake. But something always has to happen. Never mind what. When things look good... you know that someone just has to kick you down (not literally speaking), or that something comes up that changes things to the worse.
      Now I don't know where to go.

      So come on and let me know... Should I stay or should I go?

IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 28 things about you. I don't care if we've never talked, never really clicked, or if we already know everything about each other. I really don't. You are obviously on my flist, so let me know with whom I'm friends!


1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarky) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and make a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

Ekonomiska kriser... arbetslöshet... sjukdomar... depression... apati... alkoholisering... prostitution... pornografi... miljöförstöring...

Ärligt talat, vart är världen på väg? Vad ska vi göra?

Finns det någon som egentligen bryr sig? Det klagas så mycket, men ingen gör något.

Trivialiteter vinner alltid över det som är meningsfullt.

I'm off to Greece tomorrow! That's nice. ^.^

And Megan, take good care of my room while I'm gone. *winks*

Ha! Turns out that the innocent cold I had was really pneumonia.
    After having spent a whole week with a fever, I finally decided to call a doctor.  As the doctor showed up - she visited me at home, as I couldn't move without losing my breath - she diagnosed me with pneumonia after about one minute. I have never felt more sick and pathetic in my life. On top of that, I spent the entire evening vomiting due to having to eat antipyretics, which I'm not a big fan of.

I'm so happy that there are wonderful male persons in this world who not only help you throw up without saying "Eugh". but also that there are fathers who travel across the whole of Sweden to take care of their daughters.

And I'm happy that there is such a thing as antibiotics, or I would surely have been dead now.

This week is going to be a tough one.
     Today, I have finished my home exam, I've been to one of today's two meetings, I've held the library open, I've taken care of registrations for the Asatru summer camp, and I've planned Wednesday's dinner. I even had the time to work with my summer colleagues for a whole hour. My enemy (that is, the Contact Secretary) and I have also set a date for the traditional Library Committee versus Contact Committee softball fight.

Tomorrow will not be any easier. I plan to work some more with the summer pub, and then prepare myself for three days of total weariness. There is a traditional dinner on Wednesday which I wil be the hostess of, and then there's this BIG day on Thursday, what with Walpurgis and all the celebrations surrounding it. Finally, there is a traditional dinner on Friday which I will either attend or work at. Long days, but rather joyful! If only I get well before it starts - I've been grounded with fever for the last couple of days.

Still, I feel rather pleased. The duties of today are done. Now I want to go for a long, relaxing walk. And eat some painkillers.

I don't know what's happening to my feelings of self worth, but I know I don't like it...

Today was the day of the annual spring blot by the mounds of Old Uppsala, and once again I was a mess when I showed up there and a new person when I left. It's like a shot of adrenaline to the heart, being out there with all the other asatruers, pagans, wiccans, schamans and others. Music, dancing, happiness, darlings... energy.

The day before yesterday, me and a bunch of friends played Trivial Pursuit in the pub all night long. John and I won it all, after a long and hard game. Yes! Then I ended up being promoted to pub host for the evening, which was even nicer. Especially since... well, I shall not go into details, in case any officials read this, but it was fun nevertheless.
     Yesterday I was at Kee's for a short time, to celebrate Easter. Well, Easter wasn't as celebrated as the art of drinking was, but still... it was nice. :)

But now, a new week is coming, a week during which I have to decide what to do next semester. It's time to send in the applications. Other things happening are working in the pub, waitressing at a formal dinner, possibly going bowling and going out dancing with the other bartenders, a meeting with the Seniors of the nation to decide who gets a scholarship and who doesn't, and other things I just may have forgotten. Oh, and best of all, there won't be any seminars or lectures. Yay to not studying!

Where do I go from here?

Because I was tagged by bandykullan !

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.


1. Make a list of things you can see without getting up.
A couple thousands of books, two computers and 17 portraits of old Librarians.

2. How do you style your hair?
Style...? It hangs free like a wee bee. Okay... I wear a ponytail when training, and if there is a fancy dinner I just might put it up in some way.

3. What are you wearing right now?
Jeans, brown T-shirt, green-brown-blue sweatshirt. And pink underwear with little white dots on them, if you're interested.

4. What kind of job would you never work with?
At a supermarket.

5. Do you nap a lot?
Never.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
Tobbe.

7. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Obsessions seem so far away now... but I'll always have a thing for Star Wars and Harry Potter.

8. What was the last thing you ate today?
Two sandwiches and some yoghurt.

9. Which is your favourite genocide?
Alderaan turning to dust. Ka-BOOOOM!

10. What websites do you always watch when you get online?
Hotmail.

11. What was the last thing you bought?
Yoghurt, bananas and bread.

12. What are you doing right now?
I'm sending out invitations to a gasque in April, writing two "thank you cards" and talking to our 1Q.

13. What do you think about when you go to bed at night?
Nothing at all; I'm usually too tired to think.

14. What is your favourite food?
Sushi.

15. Do you collect anything?
Books and other literary works by Neil Gaiman.

16. Which Hogwarts house would you be in? Why?
Probably Hufflepuff. Hard work, tolerance, fair play and loyalty = yaaarrrrr!

17. How are you?
Fine, thanks. A bit stressed, but it's okay.

18. What are you currently reading?
I'm re-reading the Belgariad, and at the same time reading old Norse poetry.

19. Say something about the person who tagged?
Johanna, thou art missed in Uppsala!


TAG, you're it!:
klena 
hybrid_xisha 
celebrion 
crazy_megan 
keeloca 
bara_fantasier 
emilsson 
thelala 

Bob Dylan, you rock!
    I was at a Dylan concert yesterday! I'm ecstatic. Not only did he play Like a rolling stone, Blowin' in the wind, Just like a woman, When I paint my masterpiece and Don't think twice it's alright... HE PLAYED MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE!!! It's one of my top five favourite songs.

*worships*

So, what can you say. I'm not that upset that I missed the Seniors Prom yesterday. Particulary not since I have been to my very favourite place in the forest this morning - to perform a blot, of course - and at a private view of an art exhibition this afternoon... and this evening my relatives and friends are coming here for a birthday dinner.

Småland could be so much worse. =^^=

I quit studying today. Not for good, just for this semester. As I sent that mail away and made that phone call, my heart-rate immediately dropped to somewhere around normal.

I  just need to relax and quit stressing around. This is the beginning of my less stressing life. No more pressure added to this girl. It's time to do what I've been talking about doing for more than a year. I shall take it easy. I shall let this body and mind rest.

It feels sort of good.

About a month from now, I'm going to Småland. It'll be nice. I want to get away from civilisation for a while. See some pretty trees. Take a long walk. Have dinner with my parents. Drink coffee and read the newspaper. Sleep without waking up and not wanting to get out of bed because I'm tired of living the nation life.
    It's crazy! I actually want to spend more time studying. This is the first time in three years that I've felt motivated to actually learn things, and now I don't have the time.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not depressed or anything. I'm way more creative, relaxed, focused and positive than I was last semester. I can watch TV or a film without feeling that I'm wasting time, I can write and draw just for the fun of it, I listen to music and I don't lock myself up.
    This probably has something to do with me being happy...?

Had some wine with the Mrs yesterday. It was nice. Woke up after five hours of sleep this morning. Not as nice. The company was, though. ^^

Today there is a release party at V-Dala, but I think I'll skip it and spend at least one night per week away from the nation. I'm learning, slowly, that there is a difference between HAVING to be there and just HANGING there for no apparent reason. I want to finish my book this year, so I'll have to work less and write more.


Finally, I don't know why they're called "stitches", when they really should be called ITCHES, 'cause that's what they do. They itch like... well, they itch.

I've been a good girl. I study hard, compared to last semester, I've started training, and I get enough sleep.
      So how come I feel bad? Well, probably because I'm havin a hard time eating... again... and because I really don't feel like doing any of the things I'm supposed to do. Most of my responsibilities - aside from the ones at the nation, and sometimes even including the ones at the nation - are just things I do because someone has told me to do them, or because there's this little voice inside me that says "People count on you to do that, damn it."

Really, I'm just tired of doing the exact same mistakes as always, just because I can't seem to find my own voice, my own will or my own mind.
      I don't want to become a mindless zombie.
      I don't want to be a chicken who can't seem to do things just because she's scared, or some stupid person who can't do things just because she's busy killing herself doing shit instead of doing what she really wants.

I hate the coward of a girl who lives in me; warning me not to throw myself out into the great big adventure which is life.
      I sit here, locked inside my head, hiding from myself and hiding from life.

I don't want to be a wuss. Can someone please fix me a spine transplant?

I have successfully travelled to Ljungby without falling ill! I don't have the flu, I'm not dying from a fever and certainly do not have chicken pox. For the first time in ages, going south doesn't mean getting knocked out.
      It could be because of the coming Yule celebrations, but I don't think so. After all, I am pagan....

I celebrated Winter Solstice today, though. It was a bit too dark yesterday to walk off into the forest and arrange a blot, and since I didn't want to wander off alone, I waited until today. Hence, my father and I visited an old grave from the Bronze Age in the middle of the forest this morning, and I made my offering to the Gods, the powers and the rådare -- beings and spirits controlling a certain area -- and, of course, Odin and the little nisse -- the house brownie -- in particular, since I consider them my closest companions.

And whoa: After I had finished my blot, two ravens flew by, followed by a whole flock of them! If that isn't a good omen, I don't know what is.

Oh... Happiness is a successful blot, a warm cup of tea and an upcoming trip to Örebro to see my wee niece, my brother and my sister-in-law. And a phone call.

Above all, happiness is looking at that essay document waiting to be finished, and thinking... Nah... I'll do it tomorrow,

I have successfully managed to relax at my parents and now I no longer have a fever. Going to Ljungby apparently means two things:
    1) I become ill the day before the trip down south.
    2) I get well that much faster, since I suddenly have so much time on my hands to spend on... well, recovering.

I feel so much better now. Not only because I'm not ill anymore, but because I'm full of I'm full of plans, ideas and creativity. Some have to do with the Library, some have to do with myself. A sudden flash of inspiration has blinded me and I can't wait to get to work.

Also, I managed to achieve top grades on my course. Squee!

I just realised that I'm utterly, completely and hopelessly in love.
    With The Beatles.
    Oh, okay, so I've always been. But let me tell you why I am:

     1) I know no other band with such a massive amount of hit songs. And not only are they "hit" songs; they're GOOD songs. There is no possible way to get tired of those songs.
     2) John Lennon. Not only is he witty -- he's cute, too.
     3) George Harrison, the hottest man ever, capable of writing the most wonderful songs.
     4) Why, isn't Ringo a sweetheart?
     5) They're British. Rule Britannia!


...not to mention how fun it is to write Beatles poems using only the titles of their songs. =^^=

"Words of love"

"While my guitar gently weeps" "Something" "For no one"
"I call your name" "Because" "I need you"

"Ask me why" "I want to hold your hand"
"Tell me why" "You won't see me"
"I want to tell you" "You can't do that"

"Oh! Darling"
"Don't pass me by"
"Honey don't"
"Don't let me down"

"You know my name (look up the number")

"P.S. I love you"

...
...
...

"Wait"
....
...
...

"No reply"
...
...
...

"The End"



And you can write dirty poems, too:

"Honey pie"
"Love me do"
"Wild honey pie"
"Hold me tight"
"Why don't we do it in the road?"
"Here, there and everywhere" "Across the universe"
"Eight days a week" "Anytime at all"

The whole of yesterday was devoted completely and utterly to the Library and the Library Committee, as we had our traditional Work Day. We cleaned the place, put the books in order, bought cute little plants, made fun of each other, drank beer, had a meeting, cooked... and then, of course, we arranged a dinner, during which we gave and listened to speeches, had some more beer and some wine, were entertained by the gentlemen of the committee (who performed a spex show with us girls as audience), drank some more wine and enjoyed the sight of each other getting more and more drunk, watched the neighbouring student nation's gentlemen's dinner dance through our room singing (this happened completely out of the blue) and sang, sang, sang.


This morning, I attended Catholic mass. No, I haven't left my Asatru behind to become a pagan worshipper of God. However, it was an obligatory part of the course I take at the univeristy at the moment.
       I must say that the day after a very late night isn't the best day to try to stay awake in a church while people chant in Latin and the smell of incense makes you even sleepier than you were when you entered the church. I think I kind of fell asleep three times.

I'm definitely more thrilled about the religious activities next weekend, which I will spend in Södermanland along with some fellow Asatru friends. Oh, I should add that this is not an obligatory part of my course... which is probably why I look forward to it.

Anyway, I'm going home now. A very good book is waiting for me on my bedside table and I can't wait to delve further into its plots and characters. (It's Anne Bishop's Dark Jewels Trilogy).

Hmm. I think the reason why I suck at updating is because I insist on writing in English. As English isn't my first language, I can distance myself from everything I write, since I must focus slightly more in order to get things right, and therefore it's easy to get much more personal than I get when writing in Swedish.

Consequentially, as I don't like to talk about myself of reveal things about myself, I don't seem to update all too often these days.

And now that I finally do update, I tell you nothing about my studies, my life or anything else important, as I'm busy rambling. I'm great, aren't I?

Oh well. In short:
--- I'm a Librarian and it's all right, I work all day and should sleep at night.
--- I study Theology and it's all right, I don't study all day and therefore have to study all night.
--- I don't have any spare time but it's all right, 'cause I'm much too busy to party all night.
--- I'm giddy and tired and not too bright, 'cause I stupidly insist on staying up all night.
--- I'm free tonight and it's all right, 'cause that means I'm FREE TO STAY UP ALL NIGHT!

I'm also going slightly mad. Probably due to lack of sleep.
     I'm off to buy myself beer now.
     Yup.

This is the end, folks.
       No... It's not the end of me, but it's the end of summer. I leave for Uppsala today. No more fooling around. I'm going back to reality.

There's so much I could tell you about those last two months, but it feels as if staying in the past won't do me any good. I have to look ahead and plan the coming semester; decide on what to do and how to do it.
     I've got so many plans. My biggest fear is not being able to accomplish what I wish to accomplish, and my biggest foe is apathy and lack of motivation. It hits me from time to time, and it's always ugly.

I need to work with myself. Too often, I drift away dreaming about my life instead of living my life. That's not going to happen this time. I have to stay focused. Stay tuned.

I have a busy autumn ahead of me, and now I have to refrain from panicking about just how busy I'm going to be.
       Because I know I can do it. I can get through this, and I can make a damn good thing out of it, too. I just need to learn how to relax when I'm not working, and to always work when I don't relax.

Some summer, huh?
       Okay. Last Friday I ended up in Ljungby, Småland, after having spent the night with high fever, dizzy, probably talking in my sleep -- if, that is, I had been able to sleep at all. Ma and I went straight to the annual summer market of Ljungby to shop socks. Then I went home and died.

The morning after I wake up... with chicken pox. Hoorah.

The last six days I've spent isolated in my room and -- when my room finally became too small -- out bicycling and walking, early in the morning and late at night, when the risk of running into people is small to non-existent.
       (I do NOT wish to infect anyone. That would be horrible.)
       I must have walked and bicycled, like, fifteen miles in three days. Talk about being frustrated and out of things to do.

Pa will work at the Museum of Storytelling in my place this weekend, as I'm not allowed to roam the streets; much less to sit behind a counter being able to cough at anyone who passes by and thereby infecting them with chicken pox.

I've managed to do some nice things, though, such as booking a ticket for a short trip to Uppsala. I'll spend 4 days back home (July 18-21) before it's time to return to Ljungby for the finishing stretch.

Then, on August 7, it's time for me to leave Småland for Gotland for a couple of days. It'll be my first visit not only to the island, but to the Medieval Week as well.
       After that I'll go straight back home to Uppsala. I don't want to miss the "On-and-Off" at V-Dala on August 12.

Oh, this is so absurd. I want to get well now, because this isolation is really starting to get on my nerves. I want to go see my grandmother, for example.
       Those poor souls suffering from leprosy... I'm beginning to understand how they must've felt.